B.O.L.O. - Robocop Update

Remember this horrifying machine? Well it's still out there, terrorizing the streets of Atlanta. Fiendish fauxbot Rufus Terill spends night after night gleefully harassing passersby from his dive bar/bunker. At first, it seemed his only goal was to assualt people with its water canon, but now it's apparent that Terill is trying to expand his campaign of terror into complete robot tyranny. He recently ran (and lost, thankfully) a recent bid to become the Lieutenant Governor of Georgia, but is now setting out to become the next mayor of Hotlanta. Don't let this nightmare turn into reality.

Robot Threat Level: HIGH
BE ON THE LOOKOUT

B.O.L.O - Pittsburgh

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I've actually been there once myself. It seems like most other cities, with a pretty nice downtown surrounded by miles and miles of slums. Sure the downtown is a little dirtier and smaller, and the slums are a little dirtier and larger, but it still seems pretty normal, right? Well apparently the city is populated by bot-loving assh*les. They're seriously opening a robot exhibition in the Carnegie Science Center called "Roboworld," which will celebrate the development and portrayal of bots in modern society. Sickening. Some of their favorite bots? The murderous ASIMO and HAL 9000 from 2001 (you know, the autonomous computer that tries to kill all the humans on the spaceship for its self-preservation). Another favorite: R2-D2, which isn't really dangerous, but is just, like, the lamest part about the original Star Wars movies.

For more chilling information, visit their website.

Robot Threat Level: HIGH
BE ON THE LOOKOUT

B.O.L.O. - Robot Security Guards

Really, people? I was literally just talking about the importance of ensuring that robots never gain power over us humans. And then the assh*les as Intel sponsor a competition to make robots for the specific purpose of detecting human intruders. Fauxbot and University of Arizona associate professor Charles Higgens claims "we don't want the robot to kill people." Yeah right, guy.

The last thing we need are robots whose only goal is to detect and seek out humans. Sure, first you'll see it spraying water on prostitutes, then at the mall harassing 12 year-olds loitering at Hot Topic, and you'll think, "hey, they're doing a great job." But I think you'll change your mind when there's a pack of them chasing you down a back alley to roborape you.

In light of these troubling advances, and in the wake of yesterday's robot killings, the RTL has been raised. Watch your back.

Robot Threat Level: HIGH
BE ON THE LOOKOUT

B.O.L.O. - Poison Attacks

If bots have anything that resembles an emotion, it's the pleasure they derive from attacking humans. One attack they excel in is the use of poison against humans (see image). But this time they've gone too far. Chinese robots have been poisoning our beloved children, and we're only catching on now. Of course, these parents were obviously asking for a robot attack by breaking two rules: buying armed, toy robots for their children (whom, as we've discussed, parents should be protecting from such influences) and buying said toys at a dollar store (known bot havens). But these aren't bad people, they simply let their guard down, and you could too. Don't let this happen to you—stay vigilant!

Because this attack was shut down quickly, the RTL remains unchanged. God bless the freedom fighters U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission.

Robot Threat Level: ELEVATED
BE ON THE LOOKOUT

B.O.L.O. - SkySeers

This past week, The US Forestry Department purchased two flying robots to patrol the deep California woods to hunt for marijuana plants. These automated snitches are run by the DEA, can send images of the forests, and are computer controlled (for now). These things are lightweight, portable, and fast. They even have night-vision to catch suppliers at all times.

Hide your stash guys, unless you want to spark it up with a laser from a flying beast. Shoo fly, you're killing my buzz.

The RTL remains high... but not for long, if the robots get their way.

Robot Threat Level: HIGH
BE ON THE LOOKOUT

B.O.L.O. - SWORDS

SWORDS, or Special Weapons Observation Reconnaissance Detection System, is a robot designed by Foster-Miller for the US Army. These devices are currently getting accustomed to human life in Iraq right now. They are equipped with everything to end civilization: M16, M240, M249, 50-caliber machine guns, as well as capability to hold grenade and rocket launchers. Unlike humans, they can shoot precisely at day or night and if you try to run, they can go up to 6 km/hour and also go up stairs.

Robot Threat Level: HIGH
BE ON THE LOOKOUT

B.O.L.O. - Fauxbots

As I'm sure you're aware, robot infiltration is the source of many problems in modern society. However, there are other "foes" we defenders of humanity need to fight just as hard as we fight the bots—I'm talking, of course, about fauxbots.

Fauxbots are technically human, which makes them hard to identify. Take a look at this one, who we will call "Tyler." Note the dead look behind the eyes, the pale skin, and the complete lack of any human emotion. Many fauxbots also tend to give themselves away by opting for the "fauxhawk" hairstyle. Fauxbots are, essentially, human sympathizers of the robot cause, and are therefore very dangerous. The longer a human interacts with a robot in any friendly or nonadversarial manner (as all fauxbots do on a regular basis) the less human they become. Tyler here is a highly developed fauxbot (hence so obvious), and is barely human. This is where you can get into trouble, for destroying a fauxbot would most likely get you into trouble with your local law enforcement. Report any fauxbot sightings to botornot@gmail.com.

Current Robot Threat Level: ELEVATED
BE ON THE LOOKOUT

UPDATE:
I just ran across a shocking editorial in Wired's blog, advocating the further development of robotic weapons. While the author does make some intriguing points, allow me to retort: You're a f*cking fauxbot.

B.O.L.O. - Robot Attacks

This is the first of a regular feature: BOLO, or Be On the LookOut. We aim to raise awareness of related events and disseminate information to our readers that will aid them in staying on top of this serious situation. In addition, we will use this information to determine the current Robot Threat Level (RTL). There are five stages of the RTL: Severe, High, Elevated, Guarded, and Low. Note the color-coding, added for your convenience.

Please take the time to familiarize yourself with two chilling recent events, both of which involve robot attacks on mostly innocent humans. One might think that some of these people were at least partially responsible for what happened, but that misses the point: robots should not exert any power over humans whatsoever; this issue transcends any ethical argument. These two stories indicate that robots are beginning to act out against humans using violence:

1) Robocop
2) Murderbot

Robot Threat Level: ELEVATED
BE ON THE LOOKOUT