Pope Benedict XVI: Bot or Not?

Questioning the humanity of the most highly regarded spiritual leader in the world may seem controversial, but I think it's all up for grabs when he and President Bush pose for pictures in front of the Confederate battle flag. So on to the facts. Benedict XVI (aka Joesph Ratzinger aka Joey Ratz): solitary cat person? Check. Member of the Nazi Youth? Duh (also, see: Tyler). HOWEVER, his recent bonus-pack of new deadly sins don't really suggest what the aforementioned evidence indicates. Taking a strong stance against some of robots' favorite past times (pedophilia, environmental damage, "morally debatable scientific experiments," and the destruction of human embryos, to name a few) suggest that he may be leading a Catholic anti-bot movement. The jury's still out on this one, but you never know. He could be the freedom fighter we've been waiting for.

PS HAPPY 81ST JOEY

Tiffany "New York" Pollard: Bot or Not?

After touching on the robotic nature of Daisy from Rock of Love II, I began to wonder about another runner-up on a hit VH1 reality dating show: New York, who lost in both Flavor of Love seasons one and two. The similarities between New York and Daisy are striking: they both have as much or more plastic surgery than known bot Lil' Kim, they both almost won reality dating shows in attempts to infiltrate influential B-list celebrities, and, most tellingly, they are insane. As far as I know, humans don't act the way New York does. I mean there's not really much I need to say to prove my point. If you're not convinced, you should watch this academic documentary on its behavior. This one is so a bot: the plastic surgery to look human, the irrational behavior of something that doesn't understand the nuances of human society, and its ceaseless attempts to become a true celebribot show New York's true nature. Tiffany Pollard: ROBOT.

Britney Spears: Bot or Not?

So a lot of people have been waiting for this one. Britney here is an interesting subject; take a glance to the image on your right and you'll think "um, like, duh she's a bot, omg." Indeed the plastic-like skin and robotic posture do indicate a troublingly mechanical nature. However, this picture is incomplete, for the true story, see the alternate image below. Listen, people. There's no way B. Spears is a robot. Think about it this way: would a robot really get into countless car accidents and slowly squander its fortune? And sure, she does look like a robot on that DVD cover. But that was just one look during a (downward) progression, which I have illustrated masterfully. She sure as hell doesn't seem too
robotic anymore.

Just trust me on this one, k?

Lil' Kim: Bot or Not?

This may seem like a pointless post because we all have known Lil' Kim to be a "celebribot" for quite some time now. Sure in the late '90s we all assumed she was just like any other female rapper—y'know, harmless, talentless but most importantly we thought her to be one of us (human!). Around the start of Y2K we all realized how incredibly wrong we all were...

Notice the never-ending cycle of progression and regression, changing color like a chameleon, noses like Michael, and bust size tenfold that of miss Pamela Anderson. Now, some have theories that Lil' Kim has actually just been partaking in the ever-so-normal act of "skin-bleaching" however, all of us here know that is not the case. It is simply just constantly changing its exterior shell to hide the metal within. Well its OS must be totally whack because its relentless pursuit of morphing as a means of deception has only lead freedom fighters all over the world to ban her music, explaining this bot's now defunct "music career." Now you know.
Now, this is not to say plastic surgery is a definite "go" for deeming someone/thing as a bot, but never in history has one human ever shown such a resistance to body reconstruction side effects... Even Michael's nose was seen nearly falling off at one point. The point is simple: either you go in for a lil' fix up and call it quits or your human body starts to simply dissolve into thin air. These are simple plastic surgery FACTS my friends. In conclusion, even though I feel my case is closed, I end with a simple statement, Lil' Kim: Bot or Not? You decide!

The Presidential Contenders: Bot or Not?

After a lengthly discussion about the mechanical traits of America's current leadership, it seems appropriate to similarly analyze the individuals who will assume the presidency next year, in order to determine who's bot and who's not. We all hope the results of this analysis will help influence the votes of all Americans to keep bots out of the White House.

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton

Until I undertook this project, I wasn't really sure what was so divicive about Hilldog here, but then it became clear that, although she's been pretty good at covering it up, many people can sense that she's a total bot, and therefore offends their most basic human intuitions. Further, her crafty "logic" and perfect political correctness is just too good to be true. And this long, twenty year plan to run for president is just absurd. Real people don't have the energy or patience for sh*t like that. If you're still not convinced, check out this shocking documentary on its construction and life as a robot. So you still voting for Hillary?

Senator John McCain

John McCain seems human. He really does. But a lot of people think their cats are people too. While some bots (Hillary Clinton, Tyra Banks) are so robotic in their behavior people can automatically sense it, others seem to be much better at hiding it. I can only assume this is because of a more advanced operating system. But the fact remains that one can never be completely sure. There's not too much about McCain that suggests he is a machine... except for his stint in a Vietnam prison camp during the Vietnam War. Apparently, McCain "refused to take early release from the North Vietnamese prison camp [as] the son of an admiral, because he said he was going to stay there for years, as long as all the other Americans did." Heroic and honorable? Yes. Questionable in today's bot-infiltrated world? Definitely. As far as I know, humans usually don't opt-in for years of torture. Just puttin' it out there. Is he a bot? I don't know, but I wouldn't put it past him. Keep your eyes peeled for any behaviors that can clear this one up.

Senator Barack Obama

Barack is a little weird I guess but I definitely don't get any bot vibes. His vague rhetoric is not the type that a robot politician would use, but more importantly, robots are trying to infiltrate society unnoticed, but Barack has some notable features that would gain, for a bot, unwanted attention. Obama himself attracts so much attention, I find it hard to believe that if he is a robot, then no one would have noticed by now. There has been intense scrutiny of his heritage, revealing little to no robot interaction. And the guy is a lefty, which a robot would never be. It's too unique and it's kind of a disadvantage with scissors and stuff (I speak from experience). Interestingly, McCain is one too. You heard it here first: Barack's no bot.

So right now, it's looking like the Anti-Robot (or, as we call ourselves, Pro-Human) vote should be swinging towards Obama, unless McCain can prove himself. I recommend everyone contact the candidates themselves (Clinton, McCain, Obama) and request detailed plans on how each proposes to keep robots in the eternal servitude of humans: just as God intended. Amen.

Suri Cruise: Bot or Not?

We've already discussed Katie Holmes's chillingly robotic nature, but as an alleged mother, any discussion invariably leads to one question: what about Suri? First of all, until I began researching this project (searching Google Images for the perfect picture, see left), I thought Suri was a guy baby, but pictures of him in dresses suggested otherwise; Wikipedia confirmed this (trannybots? stay tuned). I've always had reservations about the entire Cruise clan, no difference for Suri, and when I saw that searching for her on Wikipedia actually redirects to an entry called "TomKat," my suspicions were confirmed—Katie Holmes has clearly mastered the process of robot procreation. Katie Holmes most likely constructed Suri with the latest technologies, making it appear more human than ever, and certainly implemented the behaviors that can make a bot even mimic rudimentary human emotions.

Further, Suri hasn't been seen in, like, forever. With the media attention that the entire Cruise family attracts, we can safely assume that Suri has not been outside in months. Not human behavior. And finally, just look that picture: this baby has got its sh*t together. I didn't get myself to that level until this past December, so I find it hard to believe that a human being that age could really be that collected. No, something is very wrong with Suri Cruise, and, like all the problems that plague our society, robots are at the heart of this. Suri Cruise: Bot.

Tyra Banks: Bot or Not?

Where do I begin? Tyra Banks is an interesting specimen. She is slowly planning her takeover of the world, rather successfully I may add. Her empire of TV shows is currently brainwashing most of America; however, the only person concerned right now is Oprah.

Like other robots of her caliber, the lack of emotion and dead eyes are easy stand outs. Her specialty is destroying other celebrities (note the video attached). When asked about robotic nature, Tyra responded, "I'm tired of this rumor. It's something that's followed me forever."

You decide.

Victoria Beckham: Bot or Not?

When concern for humanity's sake was initially brought to my attention, I instantly thought of Victoria Beckham. Once a beloved Spice Girl, Posh's robotic nature was first exposed in the increasing fame and notoriety of the Spice Girls. What began as a cutesy obsession with the fashion houses of Gucci and Burberry, soon turned into an all out exposure of her hidden identity. Today, this "Divabot" has come clean to the world or her true self. Notice the plastic features, limited facial expressions, and cold, empty eyes. See her staring at your inner core, making you feel bad about yourself and rush to the mall to buy yourself a Burberry plaid ensemble or Gucci ice cube trays. God help you if she sees you in something you bought in Chinatown for 10 bucks. Although the Italian economy may thank the work of Victoria Beckham, one has to ask: Now that she is in America, what will her terror bring?

America's Leaders: Bot or Not?

Lets start off with some easy ones. Today, we're going to take a look at some of America's most well known figures, and analyze their behaviors and appearances to determine who is bot and who is not. The results of this analysis has serious implications for Americans and the world, as the presence of robots in government would suggest higher infiltration than one might think, and grant these diabolical machines with increased access to the tools necessary to carry out a robot revolution.

George W. Bush, President of the United States

This one's almost too easy. Synonymous with the Bush presidency is the term "human error." A robot president may systematically enslave and destroy the human race, but its logical nature would most likely prevent it from, for instance, invading a sovereign state on faulty intelligence. Further, he needs an assistant to put songs on his iPod for him, which a bot would not find neccesary. And there's apparently no techno or electronic music on it, which, as everyone knows, is the only music robots can enjoy. In my expert opinion, George Bush: human.

Richard "Dick" Cheney, Vice President of the United States

Like George Bush, this one is obvious, except that it's pretty clear that Dick Cheney is a robot. It's almost as if it doesn't try to hide this fact. Cheney's cover was blown nearly four years ago, but it seems that the American people do not realize what this implies for their current and future wellbeing. Through its political maneuvering, Cheney has become the most powerful VP in US history, simultaneously becoming the most influential robot in world history. Let's take a closer look: it has a malfunctioning heart and it appears not only to have a genuine distaste for humans, but also enjoys maiming them—even its own so-called friends. There is no doubt that Dick Cheney is a robot; however, it appears that the general uselessness of the vice presidency has shielded us from a robot revolution thus far. But if a robot can be elected as a vice president, it's only a matter of time before one is leading the country straight into a world of human enslavement under robot fascist rule.