B.O.L.O. - Robocop Update

Remember this horrifying machine? Well it's still out there, terrorizing the streets of Atlanta. Fiendish fauxbot Rufus Terill spends night after night gleefully harassing passersby from his dive bar/bunker. At first, it seemed his only goal was to assualt people with its water canon, but now it's apparent that Terill is trying to expand his campaign of terror into complete robot tyranny. He recently ran (and lost, thankfully) a recent bid to become the Lieutenant Governor of Georgia, but is now setting out to become the next mayor of Hotlanta. Don't let this nightmare turn into reality.

Robot Threat Level: HIGH
BE ON THE LOOKOUT

The Presidential Contenders: Bot or Not?

After a lengthly discussion about the mechanical traits of America's current leadership, it seems appropriate to similarly analyze the individuals who will assume the presidency next year, in order to determine who's bot and who's not. We all hope the results of this analysis will help influence the votes of all Americans to keep bots out of the White House.

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton

Until I undertook this project, I wasn't really sure what was so divicive about Hilldog here, but then it became clear that, although she's been pretty good at covering it up, many people can sense that she's a total bot, and therefore offends their most basic human intuitions. Further, her crafty "logic" and perfect political correctness is just too good to be true. And this long, twenty year plan to run for president is just absurd. Real people don't have the energy or patience for sh*t like that. If you're still not convinced, check out this shocking documentary on its construction and life as a robot. So you still voting for Hillary?

Senator John McCain

John McCain seems human. He really does. But a lot of people think their cats are people too. While some bots (Hillary Clinton, Tyra Banks) are so robotic in their behavior people can automatically sense it, others seem to be much better at hiding it. I can only assume this is because of a more advanced operating system. But the fact remains that one can never be completely sure. There's not too much about McCain that suggests he is a machine... except for his stint in a Vietnam prison camp during the Vietnam War. Apparently, McCain "refused to take early release from the North Vietnamese prison camp [as] the son of an admiral, because he said he was going to stay there for years, as long as all the other Americans did." Heroic and honorable? Yes. Questionable in today's bot-infiltrated world? Definitely. As far as I know, humans usually don't opt-in for years of torture. Just puttin' it out there. Is he a bot? I don't know, but I wouldn't put it past him. Keep your eyes peeled for any behaviors that can clear this one up.

Senator Barack Obama

Barack is a little weird I guess but I definitely don't get any bot vibes. His vague rhetoric is not the type that a robot politician would use, but more importantly, robots are trying to infiltrate society unnoticed, but Barack has some notable features that would gain, for a bot, unwanted attention. Obama himself attracts so much attention, I find it hard to believe that if he is a robot, then no one would have noticed by now. There has been intense scrutiny of his heritage, revealing little to no robot interaction. And the guy is a lefty, which a robot would never be. It's too unique and it's kind of a disadvantage with scissors and stuff (I speak from experience). Interestingly, McCain is one too. You heard it here first: Barack's no bot.

So right now, it's looking like the Anti-Robot (or, as we call ourselves, Pro-Human) vote should be swinging towards Obama, unless McCain can prove himself. I recommend everyone contact the candidates themselves (Clinton, McCain, Obama) and request detailed plans on how each proposes to keep robots in the eternal servitude of humans: just as God intended. Amen.

America's Leaders: Bot or Not?

Lets start off with some easy ones. Today, we're going to take a look at some of America's most well known figures, and analyze their behaviors and appearances to determine who is bot and who is not. The results of this analysis has serious implications for Americans and the world, as the presence of robots in government would suggest higher infiltration than one might think, and grant these diabolical machines with increased access to the tools necessary to carry out a robot revolution.

George W. Bush, President of the United States

This one's almost too easy. Synonymous with the Bush presidency is the term "human error." A robot president may systematically enslave and destroy the human race, but its logical nature would most likely prevent it from, for instance, invading a sovereign state on faulty intelligence. Further, he needs an assistant to put songs on his iPod for him, which a bot would not find neccesary. And there's apparently no techno or electronic music on it, which, as everyone knows, is the only music robots can enjoy. In my expert opinion, George Bush: human.

Richard "Dick" Cheney, Vice President of the United States

Like George Bush, this one is obvious, except that it's pretty clear that Dick Cheney is a robot. It's almost as if it doesn't try to hide this fact. Cheney's cover was blown nearly four years ago, but it seems that the American people do not realize what this implies for their current and future wellbeing. Through its political maneuvering, Cheney has become the most powerful VP in US history, simultaneously becoming the most influential robot in world history. Let's take a closer look: it has a malfunctioning heart and it appears not only to have a genuine distaste for humans, but also enjoys maiming them—even its own so-called friends. There is no doubt that Dick Cheney is a robot; however, it appears that the general uselessness of the vice presidency has shielded us from a robot revolution thus far. But if a robot can be elected as a vice president, it's only a matter of time before one is leading the country straight into a world of human enslavement under robot fascist rule.