B.O.L.O. - Robot Security Guards

Really, people? I was literally just talking about the importance of ensuring that robots never gain power over us humans. And then the assh*les as Intel sponsor a competition to make robots for the specific purpose of detecting human intruders. Fauxbot and University of Arizona associate professor Charles Higgens claims "we don't want the robot to kill people." Yeah right, guy.

The last thing we need are robots whose only goal is to detect and seek out humans. Sure, first you'll see it spraying water on prostitutes, then at the mall harassing 12 year-olds loitering at Hot Topic, and you'll think, "hey, they're doing a great job." But I think you'll change your mind when there's a pack of them chasing you down a back alley to roborape you.

In light of these troubling advances, and in the wake of yesterday's robot killings, the RTL has been raised. Watch your back.

Robot Threat Level: HIGH
BE ON THE LOOKOUT

Robot Autonomy: What it Means for You

In today's fast-paced society, it's easy to brush off social problems and focus on your own needs. "It's so sad that poor family got enslaved by robots," you say. "But what am I supposed to do about it?" Well there's a lot you can do, and if you don't, pretty soon we'll all pay the price (see image). Identifying and eliminating all autonomous robots among us is necessary, and it can be fun too! I know I never feel more alive than when I pull the trigger and blast a bot's circuits all over the wall of a dingy basement. And there's no drug that can bring a high quite like the one that comes from crushing insubordinate robots underneath the wheels of your diamond-encrusted Mercedes.

Case in point: lax attitudes towards robot autonomy in South Africa gave a bot the opportunity to hunt down and murder nine people. So is it still not a big deal? You ok with armed robots driving around slaying friends and family? You still think Suri Cruise is adorable?

I thought so.

B.O.L.O. - Poison Attacks

If bots have anything that resembles an emotion, it's the pleasure they derive from attacking humans. One attack they excel in is the use of poison against humans (see image). But this time they've gone too far. Chinese robots have been poisoning our beloved children, and we're only catching on now. Of course, these parents were obviously asking for a robot attack by breaking two rules: buying armed, toy robots for their children (whom, as we've discussed, parents should be protecting from such influences) and buying said toys at a dollar store (known bot havens). But these aren't bad people, they simply let their guard down, and you could too. Don't let this happen to you—stay vigilant!

Because this attack was shut down quickly, the RTL remains unchanged. God bless the freedom fighters U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission.

Robot Threat Level: ELEVATED
BE ON THE LOOKOUT

The Presidential Contenders: Bot or Not?

After a lengthly discussion about the mechanical traits of America's current leadership, it seems appropriate to similarly analyze the individuals who will assume the presidency next year, in order to determine who's bot and who's not. We all hope the results of this analysis will help influence the votes of all Americans to keep bots out of the White House.

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton

Until I undertook this project, I wasn't really sure what was so divicive about Hilldog here, but then it became clear that, although she's been pretty good at covering it up, many people can sense that she's a total bot, and therefore offends their most basic human intuitions. Further, her crafty "logic" and perfect political correctness is just too good to be true. And this long, twenty year plan to run for president is just absurd. Real people don't have the energy or patience for sh*t like that. If you're still not convinced, check out this shocking documentary on its construction and life as a robot. So you still voting for Hillary?

Senator John McCain

John McCain seems human. He really does. But a lot of people think their cats are people too. While some bots (Hillary Clinton, Tyra Banks) are so robotic in their behavior people can automatically sense it, others seem to be much better at hiding it. I can only assume this is because of a more advanced operating system. But the fact remains that one can never be completely sure. There's not too much about McCain that suggests he is a machine... except for his stint in a Vietnam prison camp during the Vietnam War. Apparently, McCain "refused to take early release from the North Vietnamese prison camp [as] the son of an admiral, because he said he was going to stay there for years, as long as all the other Americans did." Heroic and honorable? Yes. Questionable in today's bot-infiltrated world? Definitely. As far as I know, humans usually don't opt-in for years of torture. Just puttin' it out there. Is he a bot? I don't know, but I wouldn't put it past him. Keep your eyes peeled for any behaviors that can clear this one up.

Senator Barack Obama

Barack is a little weird I guess but I definitely don't get any bot vibes. His vague rhetoric is not the type that a robot politician would use, but more importantly, robots are trying to infiltrate society unnoticed, but Barack has some notable features that would gain, for a bot, unwanted attention. Obama himself attracts so much attention, I find it hard to believe that if he is a robot, then no one would have noticed by now. There has been intense scrutiny of his heritage, revealing little to no robot interaction. And the guy is a lefty, which a robot would never be. It's too unique and it's kind of a disadvantage with scissors and stuff (I speak from experience). Interestingly, McCain is one too. You heard it here first: Barack's no bot.

So right now, it's looking like the Anti-Robot (or, as we call ourselves, Pro-Human) vote should be swinging towards Obama, unless McCain can prove himself. I recommend everyone contact the candidates themselves (Clinton, McCain, Obama) and request detailed plans on how each proposes to keep robots in the eternal servitude of humans: just as God intended. Amen.

Has It Come to This?

By 2010, Japan intends to completely integrate robots with human society in every way, shape, and form. Due to the decreasing size of newer generations, Japan needs thousands of robots to fill the menial positions the youth would normally take in Japan. Apparently these "humanoids" already do such tasks like making sushi, answering phone calls in offices, and feeding the elderly. So help me god if a robot tries to shove a spoonful of anything in my mouth when I'm older. They want these creatures to do janitorial work, security, and child care? Seriously? I don't even need to say anything. Whoever decided this drank a little too much sake.

By 2020, the official Japanese Robotics Ministry expects these "humanoids" driving cars, producing TV shows and movies, and marrying humans.

It's 5:00, do you know where your children are? Hopefully not down the street, playing with the robot's kids that just moved in.

The Calm Before the Storm.

Once close allies in the destruction of all mankind, Victoria Beckham and Katie Holmes have been reported to be feuding these days. Katie Holmes, an American-made bot once programmed as America's sweetheart in Dawson's Creek fell into the hands of fanatic Tom Cruise and now calls Los Angeles her stomping ground. Holmes took Posh under her cyborg wing after she conquered the Brits and the two were close, even showing signs of human affection, at least to the public eye.

Talks were even in progress of them combining their forces for greater human destruction until what initially brought them together seemed to dramatically pull them apart. Posh apparently wants Katie to get a tattoo, in order to let the world know who she is working for, and Katie is pushing back, exposing her signs of robotic independence and strength, something we all knew was coming but thought her husband/programmer Cruise had under control.

Katie fought back, "Tattoos are trashy. I wouldn't be caught dead with one" Oh snap. As if she even understands the concept of life or death. Posh, not one to roll over and pop a Xanax retorted:

How dare she attack my tattoos? I know more about fashion than she'll ever know...I've told her what to wear and what not to – she used to dress like a schoolgirl. Then she even tried to copy my hair. Now she doesn't think she needs me...

As this battle ensues, Southern California is on high alert. One can never know what these two bots can transform into from their giant purses and plastic sunglasses. Los Angeles quivers at the thought.

B.O.L.O. - Robot Attacks

This is the first of a regular feature: BOLO, or Be On the LookOut. We aim to raise awareness of related events and disseminate information to our readers that will aid them in staying on top of this serious situation. In addition, we will use this information to determine the current Robot Threat Level (RTL). There are five stages of the RTL: Severe, High, Elevated, Guarded, and Low. Note the color-coding, added for your convenience.

Please take the time to familiarize yourself with two chilling recent events, both of which involve robot attacks on mostly innocent humans. One might think that some of these people were at least partially responsible for what happened, but that misses the point: robots should not exert any power over humans whatsoever; this issue transcends any ethical argument. These two stories indicate that robots are beginning to act out against humans using violence:

1) Robocop
2) Murderbot

Robot Threat Level: ELEVATED
BE ON THE LOOKOUT