B.O.L.O. - Robot Security Guards

Really, people? I was literally just talking about the importance of ensuring that robots never gain power over us humans. And then the assh*les as Intel sponsor a competition to make robots for the specific purpose of detecting human intruders. Fauxbot and University of Arizona associate professor Charles Higgens claims "we don't want the robot to kill people." Yeah right, guy.

The last thing we need are robots whose only goal is to detect and seek out humans. Sure, first you'll see it spraying water on prostitutes, then at the mall harassing 12 year-olds loitering at Hot Topic, and you'll think, "hey, they're doing a great job." But I think you'll change your mind when there's a pack of them chasing you down a back alley to roborape you.

In light of these troubling advances, and in the wake of yesterday's robot killings, the RTL has been raised. Watch your back.

Robot Threat Level: HIGH
BE ON THE LOOKOUT

Robot Autonomy: What it Means for You

In today's fast-paced society, it's easy to brush off social problems and focus on your own needs. "It's so sad that poor family got enslaved by robots," you say. "But what am I supposed to do about it?" Well there's a lot you can do, and if you don't, pretty soon we'll all pay the price (see image). Identifying and eliminating all autonomous robots among us is necessary, and it can be fun too! I know I never feel more alive than when I pull the trigger and blast a bot's circuits all over the wall of a dingy basement. And there's no drug that can bring a high quite like the one that comes from crushing insubordinate robots underneath the wheels of your diamond-encrusted Mercedes.

Case in point: lax attitudes towards robot autonomy in South Africa gave a bot the opportunity to hunt down and murder nine people. So is it still not a big deal? You ok with armed robots driving around slaying friends and family? You still think Suri Cruise is adorable?

I thought so.

Are You Friends with a Bot?

Even freedom fighters like ourselves let our guard down from time to time: some of us put our children in the presence of poisonous robots, others unknowingly befriend them. The former often find their children kidnapped, murdered, and/or enslaved by robots. If you befriend a one, you will see similar results, except that they will happen to you. If you're friends with a bot, it's only a matter of time.

"What can I do," you say? Well, I'm glad you asked. First of all, use your common sense: if your "friend" doesn't partake in typical human behavior, they're probably a bot. Here are some things to keep in mind:

1) Bots don't have emotions, although they try to fake it; try and make them cry, if you can't, they might just be a bot.
2) Robots don't need food, but some will eat in the presence of humans to appear human—never on their own (check their refrigerators).
3) Most importantly, robots can't really feel pain; they only simulate the reaction. If someone is severely injured and seems to be taking it rather well, watch out.

If you're convinced that you have befriended a robot, immediate destruction is recommended (decapitation is best). Do not confront them; they will deny it and become violent. Before destroying a robot, you should be absolutely sure they are a bot. Apparently, you can get in a lot of trouble for an honest mistake like that.

B.O.L.O. - Poison Attacks

If bots have anything that resembles an emotion, it's the pleasure they derive from attacking humans. One attack they excel in is the use of poison against humans (see image). But this time they've gone too far. Chinese robots have been poisoning our beloved children, and we're only catching on now. Of course, these parents were obviously asking for a robot attack by breaking two rules: buying armed, toy robots for their children (whom, as we've discussed, parents should be protecting from such influences) and buying said toys at a dollar store (known bot havens). But these aren't bad people, they simply let their guard down, and you could too. Don't let this happen to you—stay vigilant!

Because this attack was shut down quickly, the RTL remains unchanged. God bless the freedom fighters U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission.

Robot Threat Level: ELEVATED
BE ON THE LOOKOUT

B.O.L.O. - SWORDS

SWORDS, or Special Weapons Observation Reconnaissance Detection System, is a robot designed by Foster-Miller for the US Army. These devices are currently getting accustomed to human life in Iraq right now. They are equipped with everything to end civilization: M16, M240, M249, 50-caliber machine guns, as well as capability to hold grenade and rocket launchers. Unlike humans, they can shoot precisely at day or night and if you try to run, they can go up to 6 km/hour and also go up stairs.

Robot Threat Level: HIGH
BE ON THE LOOKOUT

B.O.L.O. - Robot Attacks

This is the first of a regular feature: BOLO, or Be On the LookOut. We aim to raise awareness of related events and disseminate information to our readers that will aid them in staying on top of this serious situation. In addition, we will use this information to determine the current Robot Threat Level (RTL). There are five stages of the RTL: Severe, High, Elevated, Guarded, and Low. Note the color-coding, added for your convenience.

Please take the time to familiarize yourself with two chilling recent events, both of which involve robot attacks on mostly innocent humans. One might think that some of these people were at least partially responsible for what happened, but that misses the point: robots should not exert any power over humans whatsoever; this issue transcends any ethical argument. These two stories indicate that robots are beginning to act out against humans using violence:

1) Robocop
2) Murderbot

Robot Threat Level: ELEVATED
BE ON THE LOOKOUT