Suri Cruise: Bot or Not?

We've already discussed Katie Holmes's chillingly robotic nature, but as an alleged mother, any discussion invariably leads to one question: what about Suri? First of all, until I began researching this project (searching Google Images for the perfect picture, see left), I thought Suri was a guy baby, but pictures of him in dresses suggested otherwise; Wikipedia confirmed this (trannybots? stay tuned). I've always had reservations about the entire Cruise clan, no difference for Suri, and when I saw that searching for her on Wikipedia actually redirects to an entry called "TomKat," my suspicions were confirmed—Katie Holmes has clearly mastered the process of robot procreation. Katie Holmes most likely constructed Suri with the latest technologies, making it appear more human than ever, and certainly implemented the behaviors that can make a bot even mimic rudimentary human emotions.

Further, Suri hasn't been seen in, like, forever. With the media attention that the entire Cruise family attracts, we can safely assume that Suri has not been outside in months. Not human behavior. And finally, just look that picture: this baby has got its sh*t together. I didn't get myself to that level until this past December, so I find it hard to believe that a human being that age could really be that collected. No, something is very wrong with Suri Cruise, and, like all the problems that plague our society, robots are at the heart of this. Suri Cruise: Bot.

The Calm Before the Storm.

Once close allies in the destruction of all mankind, Victoria Beckham and Katie Holmes have been reported to be feuding these days. Katie Holmes, an American-made bot once programmed as America's sweetheart in Dawson's Creek fell into the hands of fanatic Tom Cruise and now calls Los Angeles her stomping ground. Holmes took Posh under her cyborg wing after she conquered the Brits and the two were close, even showing signs of human affection, at least to the public eye.

Talks were even in progress of them combining their forces for greater human destruction until what initially brought them together seemed to dramatically pull them apart. Posh apparently wants Katie to get a tattoo, in order to let the world know who she is working for, and Katie is pushing back, exposing her signs of robotic independence and strength, something we all knew was coming but thought her husband/programmer Cruise had under control.

Katie fought back, "Tattoos are trashy. I wouldn't be caught dead with one" Oh snap. As if she even understands the concept of life or death. Posh, not one to roll over and pop a Xanax retorted:

How dare she attack my tattoos? I know more about fashion than she'll ever know...I've told her what to wear and what not to – she used to dress like a schoolgirl. Then she even tried to copy my hair. Now she doesn't think she needs me...

As this battle ensues, Southern California is on high alert. One can never know what these two bots can transform into from their giant purses and plastic sunglasses. Los Angeles quivers at the thought.