Robots, the Environment, and You

So the other day I heard about this thing called global warming. Apparently, the world is ending or something. Who knew? I'll tell you who: robots. Let's take a look at the facts, shall we? The majority of carbon dioxide emissions comes directly from the burning of fossil fuels. Who has become rich from this practice? None other than their leader, Dick Cheney. Further, robots need energy (which primarily comes from carbon-emitting sources) simply to survive. I may need energy to watch "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila II," but, in theory, I could survive without. Finally, take a look at this picture. It's a robot with a flame thrower. Who's got the biggest carbon footprint? Hint: it's not Al Gore - it's your friendly neighborhood robot. Case closed.

Let's face it: for longer than we've ever thought possible, bots have been furthering the destruction of our dear planet earth. We've been so foolish not to notice it all along. And now that we can safely shift the blame for global warming away from our own actions, let's all join together and make a difference.

Burning robots and their high-tech components in a ceremonial bonfire sounds like great progress for the environment, right? Totally.

Robot Sports: Right or Wrong?

The phenomenon of robot entertainment is as old as robots itself. Yesterday, we discussed how Japan's robot entertainment industry is unwittingly training robots to attack and enslave us all. Today we're going to expand upon this subject and examine robot entertainment. First of all, let's look at something like robot soccer (see image). There are two things wrong with this picture: the gleeful smiles on these bots' "faces" and the relative proximity of a precious child. I'm all for robot battles, in which we humans relish in the battles and painful destruction of our truest of enemies (modern day gladiators, if you will, except without all those human rights/morality issues - we know we have the right to take the life of a bot at any time, and take them we shall!).

But back to robot soccer. These bots are enjoying themselves, something I never like to see. And, more importantly, this child, although entertained, is interacting with other robots, and associating said interaction with his entertainment. Kids cannot engage in such behavior, it is truly dangerous. Robot entertainment can be great - hell, they're here to serve us - but there's a fine line between being entertained and advancing the robot revolution. Be sure to consult our advice before attending or promoting any sort of bot entertainment event.

Japan and Robots: A Match Made in Hell

Japan indeed has a highly developed technology sector, leading the world in astounding and useful gadgets. Japan, however, is also the world leader in advancing the robot revolution. This time, they're arming their robots with lasers and training them to fight in urban battle scenes (follow the link for a video). In the name of entertainment, they're giving these bots exactly what they need to carry out a swift, simultaneous takeover of the world's urban centers. Keep your eyes on the headlines—your mayor is most likely going to have his head fried by an ASIMO sometime tomorrow.

B.O.L.O. - Robocop Update

Remember this horrifying machine? Well it's still out there, terrorizing the streets of Atlanta. Fiendish fauxbot Rufus Terill spends night after night gleefully harassing passersby from his dive bar/bunker. At first, it seemed his only goal was to assualt people with its water canon, but now it's apparent that Terill is trying to expand his campaign of terror into complete robot tyranny. He recently ran (and lost, thankfully) a recent bid to become the Lieutenant Governor of Georgia, but is now setting out to become the next mayor of Hotlanta. Don't let this nightmare turn into reality.

Robot Threat Level: HIGH
BE ON THE LOOKOUT

Pope Benedict XVI: Bot or Not?

Questioning the humanity of the most highly regarded spiritual leader in the world may seem controversial, but I think it's all up for grabs when he and President Bush pose for pictures in front of the Confederate battle flag. So on to the facts. Benedict XVI (aka Joesph Ratzinger aka Joey Ratz): solitary cat person? Check. Member of the Nazi Youth? Duh (also, see: Tyler). HOWEVER, his recent bonus-pack of new deadly sins don't really suggest what the aforementioned evidence indicates. Taking a strong stance against some of robots' favorite past times (pedophilia, environmental damage, "morally debatable scientific experiments," and the destruction of human embryos, to name a few) suggest that he may be leading a Catholic anti-bot movement. The jury's still out on this one, but you never know. He could be the freedom fighter we've been waiting for.

PS HAPPY 81ST JOEY

Now You Know: Axe Brand Deoderizing Products

Recently I was at the gym (hands off, ladies, there's time for that later) and I came upon a putrid stench. I recalled a similar smell from worse times, and eventually identified it as the aroma of someone who had excessively used Axe brand deodorizing spray immediately prior to coming to the gym. And who probably hadn't showered in a few days. Much like my freshman year roommate. To familiarize yourself with this product, please view the below advertisement.



What does this have to do with robots, you ask? A whole lot. People who use Axe spray do not shower. Robots can't shower, either; they'd short circuit. Therefore, robots are people who use Axe. Simple logic. Many, if not all, of these "people" you will recognize to be bro-bots.

So what have we learned today? Do not trust, or talk to, anyone who wears Axe. 1) They smell awful, and 2) they want to kill you. Get them before they get you.

NOW YOU KNOW

Robot Doctors: Right or Wrong?

We have made our position of robots' place in human society quite clear. So now we're going to apply our Bot Ethics to a real world development: Robot Doctors. Theoretically, it does make sense that robots would serve their human masters by helping them stay healthy and alive. HOWEVER, can we really be sure that this is their true intention? What motives lie behind their LCD-panel faces? Take a look at the above image: is this "doctor" checking for vital signs, or is it making sure its human victim is dead? If I saw one of those things coming my way, I wouldn't wait to find out. Robot doctors are in direct violation of the Second Tenet of Bot Ethics: "Under no circumstances should a bot be placed in a position of power, even over other bots; all require human management." God help me if one of those things ever gets near me to "fix me up."

Bots Done Right: Daft Punk

Today we're introducing a new section, entitled Bots Done Right. We'd like to highlight the positive contribution that some robots have on society. Sure, they are something of a rarity, but we feel like it's important to point the direction in which robot development should be heading.

A great example of bots done right is Daft Punk. Providing us, their human masters, with endless entertainment is what they do, and they indeed excel at their work. They don't even try to engage in any human behavior whatsoever. Creating bots as successful at Daft Punk benefits entrepreneurial humans as well, by making them ridiculous wealthy. We genuinely thank Virgin Records for constructing Daft Punk. Building robots can be very dangerous, but they found a winning formula. Keep up the good work!

B.O.L.O - Pittsburgh

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I've actually been there once myself. It seems like most other cities, with a pretty nice downtown surrounded by miles and miles of slums. Sure the downtown is a little dirtier and smaller, and the slums are a little dirtier and larger, but it still seems pretty normal, right? Well apparently the city is populated by bot-loving assh*les. They're seriously opening a robot exhibition in the Carnegie Science Center called "Roboworld," which will celebrate the development and portrayal of bots in modern society. Sickening. Some of their favorite bots? The murderous ASIMO and HAL 9000 from 2001 (you know, the autonomous computer that tries to kill all the humans on the spaceship for its self-preservation). Another favorite: R2-D2, which isn't really dangerous, but is just, like, the lamest part about the original Star Wars movies.

For more chilling information, visit their website.

Robot Threat Level: HIGH
BE ON THE LOOKOUT

Heros In Action: Bill Thompson

Remember David Levy and his alarming prediction of human-robot relationships? If not, please refresh your memory. Fellow freedom fighter Bill Thompson of the BBC recently interviewed this fauxbot and totally put him in his place in a heroic piece entitled "Falling out of love with robots." This man has the right idea about the place for bots in our society, writing: "I want my computers to be perfectly predictable because they are tools, extensions of my will." Amen to that, Bill. Way to spread the word.